Dear Monkey Bars,

English: Close-up of a blood blister photograp...

By Esinam. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Monkey Bars,

I hate you.

Playgrounds are so fun, until my kids discover you. You hide slyly behind a slide or climbing wall and then BAM. There you are, discovered. Begging for attention.

My 7 year old conquered you several years ago. It took many hours of assistance on my part, but she did it.

During those hours of practice, I was kneed in the nose, had my trachea nearly torn out by an innocent looking Croc, was kicked in the boob and had my ear used as a step ladder.

Each time I looked up to check on her progress I looked directly into the sun which scared my retinas. Or sand fell off my daughter’s shoes sliding into my tender eyeball.

I don’t understand your magnet like qualities. My daughter will cross your bars until the blisters on her hands are the size of nickels. She can’t quit. Are you serving crack?

We run out of fingers when we count the number of friends who have broken wrists or arms crossing your bars. Do you like pain? Because you cause it.

And then came the 5 year old. He practiced and practiced. He booted me in all the same places. Bruised, I spotted him to the best of my ability. And when I was only holding on to the back of his shirt as he crossed, unaware that he had the physical ability, but not the mental confidence, I did what all good mothers do. Bribe.

“If you can make it all the way across by yourself, I’ll give you this dollar.” He did it – licitly split. And then he did it again and asked for another dollar.

And now I still have one more child to teach. I think I’ll don a flak jacket and helmet this go around.

Please, Monkey Bars I beg you. The teeter totter has retired; go with your teeter totter friend. Retire to playground heaven. Go.



7 thoughts on “Dear Monkey Bars,

  1. Sorry, I have to disagree…
    We still have merry go rounds and teeter totters. They still are the best part of the park! And with kids the teeter totter is a serious quad workout if you do it right.

    My rule with monkey bars is the same as trees. If you can’t climb it, don’t ask me for help, cause you shouldn’t be up there. But keep trying.

    How proud of that blister is she anyway?
    Don’t pad the playground. It should be a little dangerous.
    for full disclosure I fell off a slide at 5 and broke my wrist in 5 places. I got my first stitches at three from my sister coming down the slide as I went up… I figure my kids owe me for what I did you my parents.


  2. I know right?
    I seem to have moved on….maybe it is the kale.
    Still a hilarious story Holly. Its great to see your writing getting some press!


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