I originally wrote this blog a year ago today at mrsmomdragon, and it still weighs on my heart. Elijah’s best friend moved to a different school and these first few weeks at school have been a little trying for him…and for a Mommy who wants to take all of the pain away.
“Mommy, the worst part of my day is that my friends were mean to me…what am I going to do tomorrow if I don’t have any friends?” Ugh.
One of my favorite parts of my daily routine is picking the kids up from school. Asking them all kinds of questions, to which their usual response is, “I don’t remember” or “recess”. But my heart breaks just a little when I hear they’ve had a bad day. I am their mom. I am supposed to protect them from this cruel and nasty world that we live in…but I can’t always do that. Granted, Elijah is only 6 years old, but I can still see the pain in his little round face. Wondering what it’s going to be like tomorrow…I’ll bet that the little boys that weren’t very nice to him have probably forgotten, and life as a 1st grade boy will continue as usual…but for right now, he’s hurt. It’s this kind of hurt that I have always dreaded as a Mom. I can handle the bumps and bruises, but it’s the hurt feelings, and cracked hearts that make me cringe.
In the last 2 years of my life, I have felt hurt like I never even thought was imaginable. I’m not talking childbirth… I’m talking earth shattering, world crumbling, bring you to your knees kind of hurt. My heart was broken by the last person that I ever would have imagined would do something like that. No, it wasn’t intentional, and this “hurt” wasn’t directed at me…but if affected me, and many people around me, who I love dearly…including my kids. A part of their innocence was stripped away, and once again, as much as I try to protect them, sometimes I just can’t. But, I refuse to just sit back and let my kids handle these situations on their own. I have made a vow to make sure my kids know that Ray and I are always here for them…no matter what. I have seen firsthand what bottling up your emotions can do to a person, and all it does is eat you up, until you have nowhere to escape.
I’m not going to lie. When this “hurt” first happened, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to go out of the house. I didn’t want to answer my phone. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t even want my morning coffee. After a few days of this, I realize it wasn’t healthy. What good was this doing anyone? What kind of a wife am I being? What kind of an example am I setting for my kids? I have always told them, “stand up, brush it off, you’re ok.” And now, here I am, not even following any of my own advice…I needed change.
Once you have experience that deep kind of hurt, you have two choices. You can either let it eat at you, just like the one that hurt you did, and become bitter…or you can take that hurt and make the choice to let it better you. I have made a choice to set the example for my kids and learn from this. Over the last 2 years I have learned that NONE of my tears will be wasted. I know that no matter how out of control life seems sometimes, God is always in control. I know that no matter how alone a person might feel, you’re never alone. God is always with us. I know that I need to continue to be the best wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend that I know how to be.
As a Mom I need to be present for them, not absent in thoughts. I need to be better, not bitter. I need to be showing grace, not turning my back. I need to be sharing my feelings, not bottling them up. I need to be a friend, not someones enemy. I need to be ALL of the things that Ray and I try everyday to instill in our kids…I know more situations will arise throughout their lives that I won’t be able to protect them from. This is part of the growing process right? As long as we keep instilling these values that we believe in so much, hopefully their growing pains will only make them better.