Things I Never Thought I’d Have to Say


As a parent, you find yourself having conversations with your kids that, when you step back and think about them, may seems crazy to the outside world.  I find myself repeating certain things over and over:

1)   Stop licking me. I have to say this a lot.  My girls have a licking problem.  They lick walls, car seats, their dad, shopping carts and I even caught one of them approaching the check stand at Wal-mart with her tongue out.  On the upside, I think this has enhanced their immune systems.

2)   Change your underwear.  Yes, everyday.  Yes, now.  No, you do not have two of the exact same pair.  I will check your laundry hamper for dirty ones. I mean it.  Now.  Apparently this is a universal parent problem.  I don’t remember being so hostile towards clean clothes when I was a child.

3)   Stop smoking the pretzel sticks or I won’t buy them anymore. No one in the house smokes so I’m not sure where they learned to do this. It wouldn’t bother me so badly if they only pretended to smoke at home but pretzels are one of those take-in-the-car snacks.  Times have changed since my childhood when adults bought us candy cigarettes and expected us to smoke them.  The general public frowns upon this behavior now.

4)   I think that outfit might be a little too fancy for today.  This is my diplomatic way of saying that I don’t want you to wear your velvet Christmas dress in July. With your flip-flops.  I used to have this problem much more when they were younger.  We’ve gone a different direction now (see #2).

5)   I’m sorry you don’t like what I’m wearing but I’m not going to change.  Truth be told, I was expecting this one, just not while they were still in elementary school.  You would expect less judgment from people who don’t like to change their underwear.

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